Hitched!

That Loving Feeling

On the top of my list of why it's terrific to be engaged -- right after "because the idea of spending your life with that person is fantastic" -- is  feeling the love from people around you.

Perhaps this doesn't happen to couples who are a bad match. I can only imagine how these couples feel when they announce their engagement and receive perplexed expressions and knit brows in response. They find out potential bridesmaids and groomsmen already have plans 12 months out, right on their wedding day -- wouldn't you just know it!?!

Either people were faking it well or they were really thrilled for us, because there was a lot of joy about our engagement. When we were in New York over Thanksgiving, one of B's brothers and sister-in-laws expressed how happy they were. They even invited us over to their place and broke out the champagne, before taking us to dinner. That same weekend, a long-time friend of mine, who will be in my wedding, and her partner bought us another dinner to celebrate.

I have been overwhelmed by others' generosity and support. My bridesmaids often check in to find out if there is any way they can help. My father and an uncle toasted us during our family Christmas holiday celebration. My sister, the maid of honor, is helping arrange some of the activities for the wedding weekend. My niece can't contain her enthusiasm -- she has told all her friends and her teachers that she is the flower girl.

One of my bridesmaids prepared be for this outpouring of happiness. She explained it this way:

"You're quietly living in sin. Then you get engaged and it's like world is giving their approval. You're now official and one of them."

One of my bridesmaids who is bi-sexual and was engaged to a man, before becoming engaged to a woman said this about the experience:

"When I was with a man, everyone helped me out. When I had to move my job to another country, the company bent over backwards to help me be with him. It's not like that when you're with a woman."

B and I are thrilled this woman is engaged to another wonderful gal, but it sure points out how many people don't see gay engaged couples as "one of them."

That being said, and in spite of the aforementioned challenges, I am still trying to bask in the wonderfulness of this time, and appreciate how fortunate I am.

Engaggment

It was what you would expect, sort of.

The setting: Sunset in Big Sur, California.
Drink: A stellar California cab.
The mood: Relaxed.
How he popped the question: I have something for you.

Huh?

"I have something for you" as he pulled out an engagement band from his pocket was how B asked me to marry him. Admittedly he had picked the perfect backdrop. But somehow, in all my subconscious fantasies, I never expected "I have something for you" would mark my transition from singledom to engagement. (To his credit, B made up for it by spending the next week repeatedly asking me to marry him using suitably flowery romantic prose, sometimes when on one knee.)

On TV, the script writers build up to an engagement year after year, only revealing it when the ratings might slip. We had some build up to our engagement. We had a few conversations and B asked about rings. But after "I have something for you," a ring going on my finger and a big kiss, it was kind of like "OK, so when's our dinner reservation?" I mean, no one really shows you how to handle the next scene.

Eventually we called my parents. They had never pressured us during our five years together. Still they were thrilled.

We also called his parents. After his mother let out a shriek of joy, no doubt heard by most of the people living in their swanky New York co-op, she immediately said "the wedding should be in wine country."

"Oh sure," we said, not feeling that we really had to commit to anything besides each other at that point. "We'll look into it."

A few minutes after we hung up one of B's brothers called.

"I hear the wedding is in Napa," he said.

By the time I got off the phone, I was beginning to freak out at how the location was already decided and stressed about the potential cost of the event. I was going to need to take control, I decided. My inner bridezilla was taking root.