Hitched!

Shrinking the Wedding Budget. Not the Fantasy.

Custom lighting. The releasing of the doves. Specialized engraved invitations. Hand-made chocolate favors. Designer bridesmaid dresses. Full top-shelf open bars. It's these things that many bridal magazines and TV shows (and, heck, my future mother-in-law) would portray as the norm for the average wedding.

True, weddings have grown more elaborate over the decades, as more brides and grooms emulate the gala-style events of the stars. But for the first time in a decade, the average cost of a wedding has gone down.

Down??!!

It's true. The average wedding dropped from $28,732 to $28,704 in 2007. OK, that 28 bucks may not seem like that big of a deal. According the the experts, though, it is a very, very big deal.

Time magazine reported that half the members of The National Association of Catering Executives had seen a decline in wedding spending due to economic hardship. Some 12% even said they had seen weddings canceled for financial considerations.

So, how are happy couples scrimping on the price, but not on their fantasy?
1.) Friday and Sunday weddings make a big difference, since there is often a discount. Just not everywhere... My wedding will be on a Sunday, but there are no discounts. I guess there are enough other people who are having Jewish weddings to still make that day popular.

2.) Bring on the chicken. Who really remembers many wedding meals anyway?

3.) Forge a new tradition. Forgo the champagne toast. We're skipping the champagne toast to save on the cost of the wedding, as well.

4.) Selective invites. B and I had to do this. Warning to other brides: Your future mother-in-law may not react well.

Some people with a artistic streak, oodles of time and other helping hands are also making their own invitations, sewing bridesmaid dresses, arranging their own flowers, making cakes and catering events.

Personally, I am looking to get creative with my budget.

Price of Love

What's your wedding day worth?

Most would answer that question by saying "priceless."

OK. Yeah, I know. What-ev-er.

In truth, for most people it's about $30,000, which CNN Money reported in 2005, or a little less, about $28,732 according to costofwedding.com. Costofwedding.com is a nifty little site that shows the average (not median) cost of a wedding, where you can also find out what other people are spending in your zip code. Note: 82% spend less than the average, meaning the 18% who spend over the average go big. REALLY, REALLY BIG!

I plugged in the cost for the following cities/towns and found the following:

* The town in the Napa Valley where we're having our wedding: $29,541
* The area of Los Angeles where we live now: $42,124
* San Francisco, CA, where we lived until three months ago: $23,282

And just for kicks, Beverly Hills 90210: $56,534

And New York City's east side: $54,882

If you want to add 4% -- the difference between CNN Monday and the self-reporting by couples on costofwedding.com -- that brings up a Beverly Hills wedding to $58,809 and a New York wedding up to $57,077.

The cost of our wedding will be less than a Beverly Hills wedding, but more than a San Francisco wedding. Truthfully, it's the cost of food and, especially, booze that will really add up. "Dry" is not a word in my Irish family's vocabulary. It's not in mine either.

Nevertheless, it's a ridiculous amount of money, and I am having trouble swallowing it. With that kind of money we could quit our jobs and travel around the world for a year. We could put a down payment on an investment property in another area of the country. We could donate it to a non-profit and make a difference in other people's lives.

But just like a lot of other couples, to some degree, we're sucked in by the fantasy. Fortunately, our stupidity is being partially supported by my generous parents. I mean, they just wrote a check and asked how they could help out with logistics. How lucky am I?

People tell me that having a successful wedding is an important and satisfying experience. It's also important to my large family, who enjoys getting together and finds these gatherings incredibly meaningful.

Maybe that, in itself, is worth a lot.

The Big "M" in the Room

Money.

There, I said it. It's completely pervasive when it comes to weddings, but no one wants to talk about it. Because who wants to shatter their visions of bliss, and butterflies, and all that crap with the thought of a dirty wad of dollar bills?

Oh God, it's so mundane!

And there's a lot of dumb stuff you can spend your money on for weddings, especially since no one wants to talk about the big "M". I have to believe that manufacturers of wedding doodads and wedding service providers think bride and grooms are bamboozled to SPEND big , while in their post-engagement psychedelic love trance. Given some of the ghastly stuff that's made its way into modern weddings, these businesspeople maybe onto something.

Based on my limited research, here's my top five list dumb money way to spend money on weddings.

5. Dyed-to-match pastel shoes. Oy.
4. Gifts of jewelry to your attendants that matchy-match the bridesmaid dress, which they will ABSOLUTELY not wear again. I don't care what they tell you.

They can't dress it up. They can't dress it down. They  won't wear it around town. (Sam I am.)

3. Framed photos of you and your beau as gifts to guests. Get over yourself.
2. Excessive tissue paper stuff with your invites. I understand that some fancy pants invitations require tissue paper. But a whole Kleenex box is not necessary, even if your friends and family have an extraordinary snot problem.
1. The $100 iPod hookup fee at the location where we'll have our reception.

Come again?

Yup. They assure me it's more than plugging a cord into the bottom of the device. An expert has to be called in, the event planners say. (Who was the person smart enough to create that job?)

Granted, the list above is hardly scientific. I expect I'll add to it as the big day nears.

Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff...

Soon after our engagement, it became clear that weddings are supposed to be about getting stuff. Given recent events, this was sort of a revelation.

We just moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles, merging our respective homes in the process, donating a ton of furniture, kitchen items and things we probably should have thrown out on our own. So after getting to know the people at Salvation Army on a first name basis, keeping our lives de-crapified seemed like a good strategy.

It's not like we're living off the grid -- our monthly power bills demonstrate that clearly. Like most women, I have too many shoes and enough clothes to dress everyone on my block. But we live by this creed: If we don't have space for it, then we don't need it. When we were living in San Francisco, we even though about having just one car. But then we moved to LA... 

George Carlin has a routine about the insane need to acquire and store stuff. (See it on YouTube.) His point: People wrongly think that more stuff makes you feel more secure. I always thought that more stuff would make my world more complicated and cluttered. Apparently I have been wrong about this.

Last Thanksgiving, B and I went to New York to see his family. It was the first time that we had seen them since we had gotten engaged, and people kept asking to see my ring -- something I am also guilty of doing.

My ring is a simple white gold band, which we bought online. It was on sale and cost $72, without shipping. We're in the fortunate position where I could have gotten a diamond. But I wasn't sure why I needed a traditional diamond engagement ring. To show that we had the money to pay for it? And when people asked to see my ring, did I need the judgments about whether he spent too little or too much? Why not just put an AmEx platinum card in a setting?

I decided not competing was the best way to compete. What I didn't anticipate, was how much this bothered some people.

When in New York, in response to a question about being engaged, B's father pointed at our rings (B is wearing his wedding band now) and said "They're not engaged. They're wearing wedding rings."

Ouch!

B's mother wanted to go look at diamond rings with me. She said that should  get an idea of what I wanted and then have it made less expensively somewhere else. I resisted. But I wanted to be the good future daughter-in-law. I certainly didn't want to imply that I didn't approve of her five carat diamond ring -- it just wasn't right for me. So I looked at rings. However, nothing appealed to me in the store. I am sure the term "Bridezilla" crossed my future mother-in-law's mind. I mean, why should I be so stubborn?

She then asked B and I to go  look at housewares, "to start thinking about what you'll register for." B and I looked around and realized that we had most of what we wanted, since we're a little older and have bought things over the years. I already inherited silver (which I never use).

We left the store, saying we had gotten some "ideas" -- the idea being that most crystal and china is pretty ugly and we have no place to store it.

Most of all, I just feel plain weird asking people to buy me stuff.  I want my friends and family to come to the wedding because it's important to me. They're already paying for transportation, food and lodging. Should I be asking for more?

After ring and housewares shopping, I spent a few weeks wondering if this is something I should be excited about. I should want a traditional ring? Maybe I have low self-esteem, I thought. I even contemplated whether I didn't ask for enough out life.

My future in-laws dropped the ring issue, yet still have inquired a few times since then about registering, and I have demurred. Thankfully, B recently responded that we owned most of what we needed, which put an end to conversation. 

Another reminder why I am so glad I am marrying him.